Not the Transformation I expected…but it is the truth!
This is my story and sharing it feels like a significant part of the process of owning it. It is time for me to accept and embrace all of who I am (which I have only recently discovered)!
You may resonate with parts of it, please do share with me if that is the case, I would love to hear from you.
I feel rather vulnerable sharing this, but I value authenticity and these two key words are apparent bed fellows so here goes nothing!
Massive love and thanks to my besties who have been a godsend throughout this process. I am so grateful for my friendships and I know these ones will stand the test of time.
Whilst wonderful things have happened outwardly in the past 6 months, I have had an intense, emotional and dare I say it, traumatic time internally. This became much more challenging in the past month.
The good news is, I am coming out the other side now, hopefully emerging as some sort of butterfly!
I have been on this journey for about 4 or 5 years but it has become much more intense in the past weeks and months.
The journey began with my hunt to find out why despite my supposed success (20 + years in business development etc) I felt deeply insecure.
This was typically embodied in the form of fear through people pleasing, perfectionism, control, lack of trust, worry, judgement, inferiority complex, feelings of guilt, shame etc etc.
Don’t get me wrong, I also had elements of confidence (mostly I am courageous because I do the things I am afraid to do) and many skills to be proud of and so much to love.
However, we are all complex creatures made up of many parts and I wanted to release the ones that tortured me!
For a long time, I managed to mask my anxiety with all manner of distractions and addictions. I didn’t even believe that I had an issue for a long time because I had the most ridiculous and deeply ingrained idea that being emotional or anxious was weak!
The reality was that I was emotionally supressed…it was also no coincidence that I had barely cried since being a child!
Within hindsight, I wince at this now but I am just being honest about who I was. I don’t blame myself for who I was then because I literally didn’t know any better, I was not conscious of it.
I was raised in the generation of bootstrap ville like so many, where you had to be tough and crack on (equally not dissing this philosophy because that can work too at times).
Of course, being emotional is completely natural and essential to being human, we are privileged to be sentient beings, we were literally designed to feel emotional!
It is the suppression and denial of emotion that causes so many of the problems in the world, why so much low bubbling and destructive anger and self-hate prevails.
It causes all manner of problems in relationships and with intimacy.
My intention was to find the answers in science and psychology because I love learning, wanted results and I also happened to be a die-hard sceptic to spirituality!
I don’t mind telling you that I was incredibly limited in my thinking. I was not the ‘woo woo’ kind, in fact I was very dismissive of all that stuff!
So, I studied everything I could on how the mind and brain works, the ego, the subconscious, hormones, CBT, emotions, then took courses in psychotherapy and more.
I studied various concepts and techniques for transforming beliefs and the internal narrative.
I found many answers, but the seeker in me still felt there was more to discover.
I love self-help so I devoured positive psychology, tons of books and lectures on how to change and transform and feel confident and develop self-worth etc.
I learned loads of fantastic stuff that helped but didn’t transform and so something inside me wanted to keep searching.
I learned more about the psyche, archetypes, patterns of behaviour, projection, energy, non-verbal communication and more. Cue inner child work and transactional analysis!
I loved sharing this stuff with my clients and journaling became a wonderful tool to guide me through the work I did.
This was all incredibly helpful. It took me into shadow work, which happens to be my speciality…liberating and healing the parts of ourselves that we have repressed, denied, rejected.
In the shadow, we find our darkest parts of ourselves - the shame, blame, resentment, unforgiveness and victimhood; the parts of ourselves that are most desperately in need of light.
When we do not own our shadow, it plays out unconsciously in our lives and it generally causes unhappiness and problems.
We can be confused, we can wonder why we feel certain ways and what is blocking us.
What holds us back generally resides in the shadow, it speaks to us through our emotions and the body and it needs healing.
Emotions are grossly misunderstood, no wonder they are given that many people have been taught for a lifetime to supress them!
Often times I find people are afraid of dark emotions or at least confused by them. I have learned a lot about emotions, enough to navigate my emotional landscape and now help others with theirs. They all have a purpose!
I found that there is also incredible magic in the shadow, there are skills, gifts and talents to awaken – this is known as the golden shadow. More on mine in a moment!
My journey then led me further into energy, I studied and practised energy healing and breathwork.
I became certified in Reiki for people and animals (I don’t use it now, except non-professionally on the odd horse) which taught me more about energy. I could pick up areas of inflammation in the body by hovering my hands over the area. I even predicted Dave’s appendicitis!
My next stage of interest was learning about the body and how it becomes ill, after all, everything is connected.
I am fascinated by this and learned that ailments and diseases aren’tt always purely medical and lifestyle related. They can be influenced by emotional and psychological patterns.
Healing really is a physical, emotional, mental and spiritual process. This led me onto to the chakras, the parts of the body they connect with and the energetic properties they correlate with.
I became very interested in the Law of Vibration which then took me onto the Law of Attraction and more universal laws.
I had enlightening moments about understanding why I attracted certain circumstances or people into my life (and for my clients also) and what I could do to change this. Magic!
I learned about energy between people and in relationships, specifically the unspoken energetic conversations that are happening.
This helped me to heal relationships in my life and also work out which ones were not healthy. I now get to help others with this to make radical changes in this area whether that is with a romantic partner, family, team members or board members…anyone!
I also became enlightened on two major themes in my life….forgiveness and letting go! Wow this changed my life, it truly brings peace.
I learned what an empath was and that my sensitivity (always taking everything personally as just one painful example!) which I felt was a curse I wanted to be rid of could be transformed into a gift!
Through this work, I discovered my sensitivity did not exist by accident…when channelled correctly it is called intuition!
I learned about boundaries, how to have them with myself and others, what a lesson this was! I was tested here several times…and I eventually passed.
So then I discovered another super power ….I could read people.
I can sense what and who people really were underneath the mask they present / hide behind. I can feel their shadow!
I used to think that the fear I picked up was mine, it was very confusing, I would feel instantly intimated by certain characters. It was because I could pick up on their fear!
Now I have done the work here, I know what is mine and what is not! I can sense things about people that they don’t even know about themselves.
At this point, my foot was well and truly in the realm of spirituality….the territory I was most sceptical of!
What could I do?! I didn’t have all the answers, so my inner detective went deeper! In for a penny!
Next step…the divine feminine! Oh lordy!
Until I did this work, I had no idea just how much of a masculine left brained mindset I had adopted. I had denied a large percentage of the other half..no wonder I felt the imbalance.
I was so logical and linear in my thinking it was massively limiting! I had way more limiting beliefs than I had ever realised.
In fact, for a time I didn’t even acknowledge that I had any limiting beliefs which is utterly preposterous! That in and of itself is a limiting belief! The irony!
I had to embrace a new way of being (not doing) and it was foreign to me! All the old conditioning about being lazy or unworthy f I wasn’t ‘doing’ came up…this stuff can be rooted so deeply we just don’t recognise it consciously..until we do!
I valued achievement and productivity. I didn’t listen to my body, I just filled it with whatever would make it keep going!
I couldn’t do nothing…I was always too busy muti tasking and overthinking. I didn’t give my mind a rest unless I was virtually sedated with something!
Regardless of gender, we all have feminine and masculine energies within and they work best in balance. Call it Yin and Yang if that works better for you.
So my next lesson -tapping into divine feminine energy! Eugh :D
I had so many realisations at this stage and it became apparent to me why I had struggled so much with my periods over the years. A total rejection of my body, my cycles, resting, relaxation and my spirituality.
I began to develop a deeper relationship with my body and presence! I now understand that presence is one of the key leadership and coaching tools and it changes everything from relationships to consciousness.
I had always managed to find much to criticise about my body but that had to change (the marketing continuously aimed at our deficiencies didn’t help)!
I found ways to connect to ‘being’ energy – one of the greatest challenges for me! I connected with my cycle and what it meant to me to be a woman and that this was not a setback!
It makes me sad that I felt this way and I would never want that for my beautiful daughters so I do everything in my power to ensure they know their power.
So what came next? Well of course that would be the psychic realm! The part that REALLY scared me!
For me, it began with the symbolism, words and imagery in the Tarot. I felt utterly entranced by this mystical tool! I have tapped into many things that I would have considered delusional previously :D
I love the symbolism of tarot, it is a powerful tool for transformation and reflects the archetypes and elements of the psyche and the path of integration / transformation.
I have had much experience with tarot and oracle cards. The synchronicities are beyond staggering and this has become a much stronger skill in the past few weeks in synergy with my trust levels incidentally!
Trust was something I struggled with trust for most of my life!
I also began to meditate. Initially I was terrible at it! I could barely keep my attention for seconds before feeling frustrated, bored or watching a negative thought came in or an item for my to do list!
I had so much resistance to meditation! My ego would tell me how utterly pointless it was to be sitting doing nothing when there was so much to do and not enough time and blah blah blah.
I can now meditate for an hour, not bragging, just using it to explain that something I thought I didn’t like / couldn’t do has become one of my greatest tools.
Initially it was to calm my racing mind….it has evolved somewhat into a space where I could connect with the divine!
I began to sense my spirit guides and feel angelic presence. I had a lot of resistance to this too!
I could not comprehend for a long time that this was a real thing, even though I knew so many people did this, but not me, it wasn’t the kind of thing I did, I wasn’t ‘that type’ of person lol!
Over time I started to see visions and images and words and I could hear things!
I didn’t understand it for a long while but then I learned that I was being given messages and guidance.
Wow! This blew my mind and also frightened me!
More on this later too as it has developed even further in the past few weeks!! The most bizarre is yet to come!
I have to say at various stages of this journey, yes I did consider that I was losing my marbles!
But I guess that was bound to happen as I embraced the things I could not see. I was an evidence-based individual, I literally did not believe what I could not see with my open eyes!
Even though my brain would question my sanity (I reminded myself that this was a good thing because crazy people don’t know they are crazy lol!) there was something deeper inside me that knew it was OK.
As well as being enlightening, at times it got very difficult. I had a series of mystical experiences which involved physical sensations / consequences…too many to mention here but it is fair to say I understand the difficult symptoms of a spiritual awakening.
Sometimes people confuse this as a mid-life crisis…these things are not accidental!
I also had for long stretches of times what I would describe as psychic downloads. These mostly occurred in the early hours of the morning!
I have not slept through the night well for the past 6 months which has been nothing short of exhausting. Sleep deprivation is a kicker!
I am just starting to experience a turnaround and look forward to feeling like my new self!
I won’t go into great detail here, otherwise I will be writing a book, but I have ‘received information’ about the soul, incarnation, karma, soul contracts, destiny and why we are really here! You know, just the light stuff :D
I also dived into astrology. In fact, I have followed many of Carl Jung’s modalities and interests. Really it is all about archetypes. Each sign and planet are symbolic of archetypes of the psyche.
Fascinating stuff! They all come with their light and shadow elements. I can roughly navigate myself around a birth chart but I don’t profess to know all the details, this is a skill that is developed over a lifetime, I just like the general symbology.
As I now see life through a symbolic lens, this took me into the land of dream interpretation!
Some dreams are utter nonsense and simply a way of our unconscious processing things that have occurred in the day.
However, some dreams can also be incredibly powerful indicators and illuminators of the change that needs to / is happening in our lives.
I began to have significant dreams and premonitions! Some of this was so helpful and enabled me to make powerful changes.
It also presented me with one of my biggest challenges! I won’t go into detail here because it is very private and doesn’t just involve me and I have my integrity intact.
So had I found all my answers yet and where next?
Well throughout this process I began to develop a level of soul esteem, I began to feel good enough just for being here, not for doing anything.
My self-worth is no longer attached to anything or anyone outside of me. I no longer seek validation from others, something I used to live for it but of course, it was never really enough.
Ok so now for the next level which has become apparent in the past month!
Reincarnation! Oh good grief, I dreaded this part but I had come this far…so onwards!
I had past life experiences, yes I did say that out loud and it freaked me out the most!
There are various ways you can retrieve past life information and I experienced a few methods and had help from wonderful psychics and practitioners to do this.
However, I also experienced confirmation through my own clairvoyant visions in my meditations. I could see these past lives in my third eye.
This was actually one of the most painful and liberating experiences I have had and it helped me to release those uncried tears of mine! They needed to flow! They were literally blocking my sinuses. Although draining because of the intensity, it was incredibly healing.
I have discovered about 10 past lives so far, some of which have been traumatic, some incredible….all very revealing!
There is a clear connection between things I have struggled with in this life that I never fully understood and the past lives.
They have also shown me gifts that I have denied for such a long time! Many of the things we want to explore in this life or we are really good at is because we have done them before! Logically, this explains a lot…child prodigies etc!
This wisdom has helped me understand myself. I know who I am and what my purpose is. It has shown me what karma I have had to move through, the point of it and how it helps to move us to our destiny.
I am aligning my ego and soul which I now see as the ultimate connection!
Since these experiences, certain negative patterns of behaviour I have battled with and addictions etc have begun to melt away! Things I have struggled with for all my life are evaporating!
I am a different version of myself. Things I had a negative mindset around or unhealthy relationship with….no longer cause me a problem.
It really is a radical shift! This is what I was looking for….it just didn’t happen in the way I thought I wanted it to!
For some time, I felt frustrated and drained by this experience as well as having periods of excitement.
Coming from being a sceptic, it has been really hard to wrench myself away from that mode of thinking and my conditioning but it had to be done!
As an aside, as well as navigating this terrain, I have been going through the menopause!
Well why not throw that in too :D
I did intuitively know I was peri-menopausal because of the relationship I now have with my body and I also knew that many of the symptoms would begin to subside around now.
I am four nights hot flushes free, phew! Long may it continue!
Time for the magic!
The final part is the best in my opinion, after moving through the blocks, I have accessed my latest gift. I can now psychically (through meditation) retrieve healing guidance and wisdom for others!!
I can also provide past life information to other people and have been sharing this information with my clients these past couple of weeks.
It is powerful and mind blowing!
It feels like such a blessing now, to connect people to the hidden gems and gifts that reside inside them as well as helping them to understand themselves on a very deep level and what they are here to become / be / do.
Oh yes, another part that terrified me…I started to see dead people! Argghhhhhh!!! I used to think that when you died, that was it! Well, I literally see differently now!
I will have to save this for particular story for another time, not sure I am a medium as such but let’s see how that unfolds. I know better than to try and control this process :D
Where next….?
My energy has only just started to increase and my creativity is returning to me but I am going to be on a mission.
I am making space to take on a couple of new 121 clients and I have plans to design 121 work and groups programmes and more!
I have healed my relationship with money and self-worth and so I am increasing my fees to what I need to and deserve to be paid.
I know I am coming out of this a far stronger person. I have boundaries and I don’t subscribe to the people pleasing inferiority complex I once had.
Who am I now?
I am full of compassion and kindness and equally I am not gullible, and I don’t suffer fools.
I am intuitive, psychic and sensitive and also logical and practical.
I have a foot in both worlds, spiritual and the physical; both work in unison.
I love myself and I know what it means to love others unconditionally.
I am evolved and at the same time, human, fallible and susceptible to the ego at any time!
I am deep and do very deep work and I also have a wicked sense of humour.
In fact if you know me, you will know I have a loud laugh like a witch (there’s a story in that too)!
The more I know, the more I realise how little we know, because there are elements of life that are just pure mystery!
The best part is that I have no need for anyone to believe the same as me. After all, I don’t believe the same things I believed a few weeks ago!
Each of us have our own road to travel at our own pace and that is to be respected.
One of my mainstays with my clients, is that I always empower them to know their own truth, you will know if it resonates, even if it doesn’t make sense.
Thank you for reading, I hope you haven’t fallen asleep! But then sleep is a kind of magic I would love right now so I might be jealous :D
Thank you for any kind words, encouragement or support you offer, it is always massively appreciated and I would hope to extend the same to you.
Be you, truly, madly, deeply.
Much love, Amanda xx