Out of The Darkness

If you know anything about me, you may have some idea of the journey I have been on for the past few years.

Let’s call it a psycho-spiritual journey!

One in which the heart & the mind become united.

In truth, it has been the most difficult & enduring time of my life.

I have encountered depths of depression & off the scale levels of anxiety that I did not even think were possible.

Concurrently, parts of myself were dying off.

I understand that this is the deeper purpose behind depression.

When we look at depression at a more profound level, I leaned for myself that it was an invitation to allow a part of myself to die.

Parts that at one time psychologically & subconsciously kept me safe, so it dies hard!

The struggle can be (& was for me) mentally, emotionally & physically excruciating.

The pain of this grief feels like torture. I have been through hell (I have also literally been to Hell, it’s a very small place in Norway)!

If you have felt this way, my heart goes out to you, in fact, it is for the purpose of opening the heart, although when you are in the darkness, it is incredibly challenging to realise this truth.  

Old patterns of impostor syndrome, control, perfectionism & people pleasing have died.

Old stories of lack and limitation and the way I thought the world worked are over.

I am not the same person anymore, although I am so happy to be feeling more like ‘the old me’ again, as well as ‘the new me’ so to speak.

This journey has also cracked my mind, and most importantly my heart, wide open!

Along the way, I have done my best to remain positive, kind & to make time for others.

I have worked hard when I could & given the best of myself when I had the energy.

I have also spent a lot of necessary time alone to meditate, contemplate, process & rest.

I should probably consider writing black comedy because in between these episodes of darkness, ironically, my favourite thing is to laugh!

I just love laughter & laughing!

It is the best medicine, and it is my drug of choice.

I am through the darkness now and into the light, like the caterpillar to butterfly; only it has taken years longer!

One thing is for sure, I do not speak of transformation from a cognitive perspective.

I have lived it. I will live it.

Dare I be so bold to say, I am the real deal!

It’s not a marketing strategy, it is the truth.

I have done it, lived it, breathed it, suffered through it, sucked it up, become empowered, surrendered to it, broken down, broken through, consumed with fear, saw the truth, faced the fear, denied & rejected myself, kept the faith when that felt like the only option, had no faith, felt confused, frustrated, angry, shame, sadness, guilt, unforgiving, trusted the process, despised the process, felt every emotion, no drugs, too much wine for a while, then I didn’t need it, slept a lot, didn’t sleep at all, felt like I had no purpose whatsoever, heart-broken, grieved, triggered, anxious, depressed, cried all the tears I held back for years, hope, no hope, rested, meditated, cleaned out, rinsed, detoxed, dreams, past lives, intuition, psychic ability, premonitions, mind blown, compassion, forgiveness, enlightened, appreciation, recognition of myself, strength, gratitude, joy, peace, calm, knowing, wisdom, inner power, connection, truth, understanding, love, discernment, clarity, heart opened.

And somehow this feels like the beginning!

The transformation continues but without the pain or the struggle now.

I have a greater capacity for joy & that’s how I wish to live.

Here’s to Transformation & Rebirth!

It’s available to all and your journey does not have to look like mine, but it might and if it does, I send you love.

Love is the answer. Unconditional love for the self.

Huge love & gratitude to those who have been part of my inner circle.

And to those who I don’t see that often, but we always feel connected,

those who have been interested, cared and those of you who might have had no idea this was going on in the background but still had a word of kindness & a smile for me.

Exciting news coming soon about my direction & renewed sense of passion & purpose.

Good Vibes, Amanda G

P.S This photo was taken few months ago by the creative genius that is @Alison McMath, whose hands I put myself in and said ‘do what you will’ at a time I was not feeling my best.

#outoftheshadows #beyonddarkness #transformation #truth